Over a year ago I wrote about how I was going to invest in myself and not get caught up in allowing work to take over the majority of my life again. I am here to say that with all best intentions… that did not happen.
The first thirty days. I had planned to bring a diverse set of activities and interests back into my life along with work, but deadlines and expectations brought me back into my driven and perfectionist mind. There I was back to Volleyball and work. Did I work less hours than before my leave? Yes, but I filled them with what seemed like the only available thing with covid still in play… volleyball. I love my volleyball, it saved me from certain mental demise at that time, but there is so much more out there.
There I was… back to work from my leave and going into the last session of my defining leadership class. The exercise given to us was… If you were to die tomorrow, what would your obituary say? Want to talk about hitting hard and fast for someone who just over a month earlier almost may not have been on this planet! The instructors knew what had happened, and they told me I didn’t have to participate, but I don’t back down from my obligations.
My immediate response to what others would say about me was “She was a hard worker and loved playing volleyball”. I can tell you I was no where near happy with that. What had happened to me? Even without the trauma… how had I become so mundane? So, I lost it in a fit of tears. Seriously, what about the real me? If things had not worked out the way they did that night, would anyone here that knew me in that last 9 years know anything else, other than that? What about all the other things under the surface that I hadn’t been able to spend time with while I worked towards what I had now. It was a vivid realization.
4 months later the love of my life, my dog, my fur baby Maggie died unexpectedly overnight. They believe it was due to a heart attack or embolism. She would have been 10 this year.
At this point, I hadn’t healed from my previous heartbreak because I threw myself into work to ignore the pain. Covid and major projects had me working crazy hours with no more dog to let out and walk away from the pc. I had been attempted to be car jacked at gunpoint by four young men, and now had my soul shattered with the loss of my best fur friend that had been there with me through it all.
Heartbreak. Burnout. Trauma. Loss.
Each one is bad enough on its own but healing through all of them is a fate I would wish on no one.
The first step was to admit I was destroyed. I was broken and had to accept it. I didn’t know what grace for myself was. I was grateful to be alive, yes, but what else was there? As adults it feels like we get stuck in this wheel of all the things we have to do. Some achievement for being a completionist (gamer term) that does not really exist in life.
Thanks to the help and support of my friends, family, my trauma therapist, the volleyball community, and even my leader at the time; I was surviving through everything, but not thriving. I was quick to anger instead of my normal patient self, I was annoyed and didn’t want to deal with people willing to give less than their best, or who didn’t get it. I just wanted things to go back to how they were before.
How could I be so successful yet feel so alone and miserable wondering what it was all for?
Then the curveball came. “Let’s build our core team in NJ”. Normally, it would have been a welcome potential opportunity, but with the 4 areas of mental contention in my life I could not and did not want to leave this space. That had its own dilemma’s. I had worked so hard and achieved more than I thought possible but now to move… again…back to the cold. It was the knife that broke the mental thread that was left.
I did what I should as an open, successful professional. I talked about the relocation package, what the future looked like, but it just wasn’t enough to overcome the emotional disaster inside of me. My normally rational brain just could not accept or justify it. I needed to be where I felt safe, and in control. My mentor told me to ask the normal questions “Was the opportunity and the company worth picking up and moving for?” “If I did move, could I knock it out of the park and show what I could do?” While the answer to both was Yes, I still couldn’t get my mental feet to move forward… No, I had to shut this down. At the same time after 2 years of working from home and 3 years at such a fast pace, did I even want to continue what I was doing? I was good at it yes, but was I fulfilled? My options were to work from home and continue in my role with limited growth opportunities or pick up and move to continue growing with my company in New Jersey. Neither felt right. I found a 3rd door and it wasn’t an easy one to open emotionally.
I chose to put myself on a list. I laid myself off. It was the hardest decision I’ve probably ever made. I changed my mind several times during the 7-month handoff period, but as I sit here writing this after having a trauma trigger this morning, I know it was the right choice. I may be good at what I do, but if I am not good for myself then I cannot be @ my best for others.
I am re committing to the reason I made this blog. I aim to be more consistent in posting and in sharing this vulnerable journey. There are so many things to share, and I hope you will come along for the ride as I breakout some of the things mentioned here, along with whatever is to come.
Authentic Evolution Journey 
